To Delight or Disappoint? That is the Question.

Here’s a confession.

Every time I publish an essay here on Keitharsis…

Every time I reply to your email or comment…

Every time I meet with you…

…I worry.

I worry that I will disappoint you.

That my writing and thinking, which initially excited you, will fade.

That those emails, you once read immediately, join that list of to-get-to emails you never get to.

At the same time, I desperately want to delight you.  Challenge you.  Provoke you.  Prune you.  Inspire you.

And to do that means I must push beyond my current knowledge and abilities and explore new territory into which I can invite you and show you around.

Which makes it inevitabile that I will, at some point, disappoint you.

This tension isn’t limited to my interest in and focus on you.

I don’t want to disappoint myself either.

And I want to be delighted, challenged, provoked, pruned and inspired too.

As a spiritual person, I also don’t want to disappoint God.  I want to delight God.

As a Southerner, I don’t want to disappoint my home and heritage.  I want to be a native son and source of community pride.

In the cocoon of craft, it’s easy to forget all that’s riding on our success.  It’s not until we move the products of our craft into society that we enter the tension of delight and disappointment.

It parallels our relationships, doesn’t it?

We want to delight those we love.  And not disappoint.

But without disappointment, there can be no real delight.  And without delight, there can be no real disappointment.

They co-exist.

You can’t have one without the other.

I can delight you and myself.  And will.

I can disappoint you and myself.  And will.

I can delight myself, but disappoint you.  And will.

I can delight you, but disappoint myself.  And will.

It’s a tension.

But this tension creates energy.

And that energy propels my creative focus and efforts beyond my current abilities and comfort zone.

And my evolving focus and efforts create work that’s surprising, fresh and infused with tension.

And that tension will either engage or alienate you.

Delight or disappoint you.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s what makes creative work so exciting.

If you are trying to avoid disappointment in your creative life, it will undermine you and your work.

Because in minimizing disappointment (for yourself or your audience) you will minimize delight too.

You risk disappointment every day through those you love, don’t you?

Why not take that risk in your creative life too?

You won't be disappointed!

(Super cute photo by Supercraig & J on Flickr. Used through his Creative Commons license.)

Keitharsis explores creativity, roots and the portfolio life for writers and artists.

Comments

[Karen]

I think this is right on! I have learned in my healing that those who love you, will dissapoint you, and it doesn't mean they love or care about you any less.

I think it strengthens relationships - because like you said, you can't know one without the other. If someone dissapoints you, you can't understand what it means when someone delights you.

how to take this into the writing world? I would have to say everytime I post a blog entry, I risk that someone may not agree, someone may have a stronger opinion, someone may actually not like what I am saying - OR it could be the opposite, they could be delighted by the words, and find it to be very helpful.

The biggest differences in this is, the relationships vs. writing.

If you dissapoint someone you know, most of the time you will get a reaction and you will get a feel for what the disapointment or delight is - But when you write, alot of the times you dont know who your audience is. You take the risk everyday in either dissapointing or delighting someone.

A lot of the times you just don't know, and that is when you have to trust the process.

I think for me, I try and write from the heart and delight myself, and take that risk everyday. My hope is that it's helping someone else in their journey, but the important I remind myself everyday is, you cannot write it for someone else, it has to come from the heart!

There is one certainty in life, you cannot please everyone! - TAKE THE RISK!

[Lizzie]

Keith, your posts don't disappoint. I've gotten more out of reading your work than most blogs I follow because you don't pat us on the head, you challenge your readers. And that's what we all need. Thanks for your honesty. It seems that when we go out of our way not to disappoint, we create "safe" art. We give the usual answers and get the usual responses. But to create great and dangerous work, we have to be willing to disappoint. It works that way with relationships, too. I LOVE the word risk. Nothing makes me grow more than taking conscious [and healthy!] risks. I'm going to work in this tension today, Keith. Thanks for this post.

[LarryTheDeuce]

Great post. I had this fantastic idea for a post yesterday. I had everything ready but then ran into technical difficulties at 5:15. I couldn't deliver what I wanted. I was disappointed. A friend told me he was glad to see what happened to him happened to others. So, in a sense, I didn't disappoint.

[Ken Hagerman(The Barba)]

Good observations. You must have both for the value of each to be apparent. I think growing up I would rather hear almost anything other than "I'm disappointed in you." However, it is a motivator for sure.

[Barb Winters]

We learn through disappointment. We learn to accept ourselves and others. We also learn how to improve our craft. I gave a talk at MOPS last year that appeared to be flat -- blank stares, people questioning my "credentials" to speak on the subject, etc. While it was a blow to my ego (disappointing) I analyzed the situation and improved my presentations (and subject content) based on my observations.

P.S. I always read your emails first. They don't sit around. ;-)

[Keith Jennings]

Karen,

The important takeaway is getting to a place where you can accept that to delight some means to simultaneously disappoint others. Just look at politics. To delight liberals guarantees disappointing conservatives. And vice versa.

With at least half of the essays I post on Keitharsis, readers unsubscribe. This delights me, because it means I’m creating tension that connects with some and disconnects with others. So I see the purging as a good thing.

[Keith Jennings]

Lizzie,

Thank you! But eventually I will write something that doesn’t sit right with you. Or bores you. Or just flat won’t connect.

The tension lies in finding creative outlets that delight yourself AND others WHILE alienating the rest. It takes years of trial and error, but you’ll get there!

[Keith Jennings]

Larry,

Thanks! There is nothing more frustrating than being blocked by technology. I’ll take creative block to technical block any day!

And, funny that our disappointment can delight others. Hmm…

[Keith Jennings]

Ken,

No doubt! Great to hear from you! Thanks for commenting.

[Keith Jennings]

Barb,

That means a lot! I hope you know how much I appreciate you and what you’re doing!

You bring up a very interesting idea that has enough substance to be a stand-alone essay. And that’s this: disappointment is a pruning tool. It is also a bonding tool, in that it creates bonds among those who share the same disappointments.

Thanks for this! Beautiful!

[Tony J. Alicea]

I get this concept. It's been a big focus for me in the past 2 years. It's just a matter of moving forward to DO it. Facing disappointment and failure and taking it's power away.

When I can push through that fear, I can truly be free to delight.

[Keith Jennings]

Tony,

Honestly, I think the best we can expect is relief (temporary) from this fear, not release (permanent).

I love the sincerety of your comment! Thank you for sharing this!

[Kim]

This is great, Keith. Every. single. time. I hit the "publish" button, I know that I'm risking disappointing myself or someone else (or, for that matter, delighting myself or someone else). It's scary, it's uncomfortable, it almost feels impossible sometimes. I need to read posts like this over and over and over again to remind myself that it's worth the risk. Because it IS.

[Keith Jennings]

Kim,

Find comfort in the discomfort! Easier said than done, though. I still wrestle with it every day.

Love your comment!

[Barb Winters]

Keith - Glad I can spark ideas for future blog posts. Your writing has sparked several ideas for pieces I've written (or thought about writing). I appreciate your giving attitude . . . and how you uplift others.

Have a terrific weekend!
Barb :-)

[Suzie Gallagher]

Well talk about an appropriate post. I was umming and arring about sending in three of my ladies to competition. I didn't want them to be disappointed if they lost, particularly Mary who lives without hope.

After reading your post I am going to spend the weekend editing (yet again) and get them the best they can be, my three desperate women against the might of the literary world.

Imagine if you will a weekend of hair teasing, fake tan and two inch thick pan make-up. glossed lips and high heels. Yeah, that's not going happen with my girls, one is battered and in hospital, one dies slowly sinking gently into the bogmarsh and the third triumphantly sleeps after a night of larceny and more.

I would be delighted for them if they achieve the success they deserve, I worry I will disappoint them with my prose.

Keith, you haven't disappointed yet, hope that in the giving you receive something back.

[Jason Vana]

I face this tension anytime I create something - a blog post, resource for Ignite, mission trip, etc. That somehow my ideas and creativity won't live up to what I've done in the past. But I've seen time and time again, that if I keep pushing and publishing, the present disappointments do eventually lead back to delights. It's just a matter of continuing forward.

And just so you know, you have yet to disappoint in your blog!

[Keith Jennings]

Suzie,

I completely get what you are saying! I took a few years off of submitting work in a few areas, because I simply got burned out by the rejections. It is so difficult to deal with, even though, as the old saying goes, "Editors don't reject, they select."

If I were to hint at where I think this blog is going, it's this: like our spiritual lives, our creative lives are important fuel for our everyday lives. A creative life is not really about success and fans. It's a way of connecting with ourselves, our God and the world around us. So even if we don't "make it," we can have a rich creative life that feeds our souls, minds and bodies.

I truly wish that creative, cathartic, cleansing, healing life for your "ladies". And for you!

[Keith Jennings]

Jason,

I really appreciate your feedback! I'm excited to get to know you. I've been reading your blog and getting familiar with your mission and work.

Very exciting stuff!

[Kim]

"Find comfort in the discomfort". Love that.

[georgia]

oh, i have not been here in a while... so i actually felt bad reading this, as i also have not yet replied to your most recent e-mail. {i've been working at a new job from home, and don't have the time i had when i first discovered your blog... trying to catch up tonight.}

i know you wrote this, not just directly to others as your message to them, but also as a way to let others who write identify with the things you expressed. but since i don't consider myself a writer as much as i do a visual artist, i'll comment in the vein of it being your message to us.

first of all, the fact that you reply to each and ever person who comments on your posts, every single time you post... pretty darn cool. not many bloggers take the time to do that. and your replies are always genuine and sincere, and often lengthy. that is pretty special. also, the fact that you take it a step further and reach out to others via e-mail... also, very cool. it's quite evident from the get-go, that you are doing this out of a true spirit of helping and encouragement.

i suspect that someday, your blog will be so well-read and commented on, that you won't have time to reply to all the comments anymore {so i'm glad i found it when i did... already well-liked}. but that is the cool thing about your blog. it's sort of an never-ending message that keeps reminding others of some good ideas and thoughts and keeps putting it to them in new and fresh ways. so, you will have all sorts of types of readers... some constant and steady, some cyclical, some sporadic, some one-hit wonders. but i think for every single type, you will have struck a chord in each. i know for me, i probably fall into the cyclical category, and i can honestly say, things i read here don't go in one "ear" and out the other. they stick with me.

sadly, i sort of base my measure of feeling like i disappoint or inspire on the number of comments i get. but i have to remember that not every time i post, will others get where i am coming from. and then, if i get even just one comment, i am glad to know i could let someone see something they might not have otherwise.

well, i'm rambling, but just know that this reader is, and always has been since i started reading here, a grateful reader... and continually delighted reader.

please, KEEP IT UP! you have never disappointed yet. {not that i want to put you on a pedestal... then i'll really set myself up for disappointment.} =)

[Keith Jennings]

Georgia,

Wow! Words cannot express how much I appreciate your comment. I will return to this one often.

What I've found with comments is that the essays that tend to most impact readers (and stick with them) get fewer comments. I think it's because the ideas in them create a slow burn, where the idea keeps unpacking itself over time.

So don't judge yourself by comments! Judge yourself by whether or not YOU are becoming a more open, more engaged, more practiced artist. People are starving for that.